After a good inspiring movie. I always feel the need to write or do something.

And today, I guess it’s writing.

Maybe i’ll do something later. ;)

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” - Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I felt the need to start with a quote from the movie that keeps inspiring me every time I watch it, whether I needed it for healing or just being in the mood to watch it. No matter how many times I watch it I always learn something new from it or remember things I’ve; said, done, promised, etc. And the quote that hit home today was.

” Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

I’ve always settled for misery. No matter how many times I want to be happy or have found happiness, I always find myself in misery, no matter what it is. But I think that’s my mistake… I think I’m happy or I want to make things feel happy and lively when I know it’s not and I am not either. I always force myself into hoping that finally I will feel true happiness.. But the fact is I really don’t know what happiness is because I don’t give myself a chance or time. I always pick things that I THINK will make me happy or what would make others happy; instead of going with the flow and not thinking too much of things. I over think it.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have done the same since. My emotions have been burned, pillaged and adapted to the new circumstances but I still need to find a way to built myself up the way I wanted. I still haven’t gone through my actual healing processes; the moment where I can sit and actually think about what is wrong with me and what can I do to fix it. I’m to busy trying to find a way to please others and still maintain some sort of part myself still alive that I’ve done nothing for anyone, even myself.

Maybe Elizabeth Gilbert is right, maybe I am scared of failure, of living my own life and not being as perfect as I wanted it to be and maybe my life isn’t as chaotic as I make it be, maybe it’s a lot more simpler. Maybe its just the world and I’m just to busy giving it attention that I have forgotten what the most important person in my life is; which of course is just me. That’s the simplest answer to balance, and the key is me. I’m my own answer to balance.

 And that’s where I will start today.

I am my own ruin and I am my own transformation.

Let the healing begin.